Seasonal disorders

I have a cold. A filthy, debilitating, snot ridden and temporarily life changing cold.

I haven’t had one of these for ages, in fact for about three years since I started having flu jabs each winter. I know they tell you that the flu jab doesn’t prevent you getting a cold (or even some types of flu) but it has done a pretty good job so far with me and this has come as a bit of a shock.

So, symptoms! Firstly there’s the sore throat, which feels like dozens of razor blades have been unceremoniously rammed down it and wiggled about a bit. Then there’s the ear ache, which renders temporary deafness and a throbbing pain at the side of your head akin to being knocked out by a sledgehammer. Just as these are subsiding, comes the runny nose when you could rival an overflowing River Thames for the volume of liquid which seems to run down your face towards your mouth on a regular basis and due to the regularity with which you have to blow your nose, turns you into a passable doppelganger for Rudolph. And after the runny nose the final stage, the thick, usually green immovable snot which takes up residence in your sinuses, redecorates, has babies – often called Grolly – and generally makes your life a misery.

Whichever of Mother Nature’s elves designed our faces and thought it was a good idea to put your nose higher than your mouth and throat ought to be drowned in green gunk. When you get to stage three (the runny nose stage) mucus runs down your throat making you feel sick and out of your nose towards your mouth making you look like some sort of creature from the black lagoon, covered in slime. Prominent in the centre of your face, no amount of make up will disguise the reddish glow caused by too much blowing and for days people will go around trying not to look and saying “Poor you!”.

There really is a mind blowingly diverse range of different cold cures around. Meandering into Boots looking for a simple Lemsip, I was faced with almost a whole row of different makes and remedies in a massive range of flavours and different ways of ingesting. There are powders, syrups, capsules, things that last four hours, eight hours, all night and possibly also boil the kettle for you. But I still maintain my customised remedy of hot water, lemon juice, honey, brandy and a couple of emptied Lemsip capsules stirred in is best. Adjust the amount of brandy according to mood! Not only does it give you a cracking night’s sleep, it tackles the little b*****d viruses head on.

I have manfully (or should that be womanfully?) struggled into work today, and am sitting with a martyred look on my face beavering away (well, not literally at the moment of course, because I’m writing this).  Come 4pm, I will snuffle, sigh, maybe sneeze and cough a bit and make my excuses to go home. On the train, I will hide my face into my scarf looking sorry for myself and occasionally no doubt emerge for a very wet sneeze and good blow (it’s essential to emerge as my scarf comes from Barbour and is expensive, and I don’t want to get snot all over it).

Then I will go to bed when I get home with a hot water bottle and my patent remedy as outlined above, put “The Muppet Christmas Carol” on the DVD player, and so far as blocked nostrils allow, drift off to sleep. Bliss!