Never judge - next time it might be you!

I’ve just had a bit of a rant on Facebook about judgemental people. A friend responded by asking what had prompted my rant, and the answer is nothing in particular, at least not one single event. It really is the case of the straw that breaks the camel’s back being insignificant in itself, but cumulatively being too much. If I were to write here what has caused my rant today, it would seem insignificant and pathetic. But it has pushed me over the edge.

Despite some brilliant things happening recently (a fabulous panto with a great cast and crew, Christmas and being spoiled by The Hubby, a nice New Year’s Eve dinner with good friends and so on) the last few months, in fact the last eighteen months, have been a catalogue of difficult situations and people, and one crisis after another. Little niggle has piled on top of little niggle and a very small number of people have been quite cruel and unkind. Even the most stoic person would eventually buckle. And despite some very difficult situations being resolved, lots of extra effort being expended on my part and some great achievements, not one single person has had the grace to say ‘thank you’.

I am not renowned for my patience, and have never suffered fools, but one thing that my somewhat chequered life has taught me is that you should never judge others without knowing the facts, because you just don’t know what happens behind their front doors and in their lives. Also going through two divorces, several job changes and challenges, dealing with acrimonious ex's, children and step children and forging a comfortable home for them all in reasonable harmony, financial ups and downs (very much ‘down’ at the moment) and coping with a parent who completely failed to love, understand and support me has taught me compromise and also which are the battles it is worth fighting. I have never had counselling, because I am unconvinced of its benefits (and if you need to have it for years then clearly it doesn't work, does it?) but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about things.

This week there have been one or two things which have been those final straws. It hasn’t been helped by the fact that I haven’t felt very well (I always get ill after panto), the weather has been rubbish and there is a very stressful reorganisation going on at work as a result of which I am forced into making people who do not deserve it, redundant.

I have been judged all my life. Because I speak plainly (a trait which I get from my Dad and which is both a blessing and a curse) I tell people unpalatable truths. Very few people can cope with such things, preferring to live in a little bubble of niceness where no one says what they think or tells them what they ought to hear, instead telling them what they want to hear and dressing things up.

Another trait I get from my parents is I don’t make friends easily; having been let down by so many people throughout my life in different ways I automatically put up a brittle barrier which deflects approaches and stops people getting close. That can, I know, come across as harshness and people that don’t bother to find their way through slag me off behind my back. People have done just that over the years and smiled to my face. If they think I don’t know, or that it doesn’t hurt, then they’re wrong. I know who you are, I will never trust you, and it hurts very much.

Definitely, my few months ‘out’ is now long overdue. For the immediate future, I have a small, close circle of friends whom I trust and a wonderful man who cares for me and gives me the odd reality check. It’s time I focussed on them instead of trying to split myself in too many directions and at least for now I ought to stop worrying about the opinions and views of others. Due to our circumstances the future might look very different soon, and I need to be prepared. There are new things I want to do, and existing things and acquaintances I need to think hard about.

That won’t be a panacea, but it will be a step in the right direction.

So lots of you agree with me, then?

Clearly my blog of yesterday struck a chord with quite a lot of you, and judging by the number of comments on the blog itself, on Facebook and by e-mail lots of you feel the same. And it’s always reassuring to know that you are not alone; even talking to people about a (at the moment) very vague feeling of wanting to jack it all in and start again with something more fulfilling, refreshing and less stressful gets comments of “I know, I’ve felt exactly the same recently”.

So what has changed about the world that so many of us feel like this? I don’t ever recall my parents having these sorts of conversations or coming home from their work (which was manual and working class and therefore had its significant downsides including the fact that it was very poorly paid) feeling that it just isn’t worth it and wanting a new start.

Is it that we have had our horizons widened, that we have become more ambitious, more materialistic or simply that much more is expected of us now?

I suspect it’s a combination of the lot and the sad fact is that we are paying the price not only for the previous generation that is living in comfortable retirement now, but also for better health care that means we all live longer and so can’t possibly expect the state to keep us for an extra decade or so and for the lack of planning and foresight on the part of companies, banks and government who should have seen this coming. And it seems unfair that one or two generations should have to pay for the sins of the previous ten and of the few big, hideously wealthy corporations that brought it all to a head.

It would seem that for most of us life is, quite simply, too cluttered and busy. The chase for material possessions which in the wider scale of things might be relatively modest is urged upon us all the time by the irresponsible advertising and finance industries, and our children expect more and more to keep up with their friends. As an example, between us, The Hubby and I now have five children who drive. They all have their own vehicle with the costs that incurs and although we don’t pay for all of them, that is a constant financial pressure. The insurance companies penalise young people regardless of background or education knowing it is the parents that pay. The same parents who are hard pressed in every other way.

Anyone who has had a major change thrust upon them will tell you that after the initial shock, it enabled them to see much more clearly what was important and have the courage to take big decisions and make major changes that otherwise they wouldn’t have been brave enough to do.

So, I come back to a personal note. We need to de-clutter, both mentally and physically. Physically, we have too much stuff (although obviously not too many shoes or, according to The Hubby, power tools). We should have done it ages ago, had a good chuck out and made a few quid at a car boot sale. Just recently, I sold a load of stuff on e-bay and to my surprise made £170. Obviously one man’s junk is another man’s treasure. So that’s something that we can carry on with over the winter with a view to getting rid of a load of it in the spring.

Mentally, it’s more difficult and this is where the life changing decisions come in. If I have to work, I’d very much like to work for myself again, having previously spent eight years self employed and loving every minute although not, at that time, being dependent upon it for my living. But I’m good at that stuff! I’m focused, organised and can, I’m told, be very ruthless. And we now have a window of opportunity which I can’t help but feel we ought to take advantage of. It would mean selling the house and living somewhere cheap to rent (and which takes puppies and cats), but it would give us freedom. In addition over the past two weeks due to changed circumstances I’ve seen loads more of The Hubby, and I like it! We’ve worked together before, maybe we could do it again?

Of course I haven’t discussed any of this with him (in fact he’ll probably find out about it through this blog – oops!) and it would be an enormous risk – our window of opportunity has come about a year or two too soon. But I am beginning to wonder whether we oughtn’t to take it anyway!

Christmas

Well, one week to go until the big day! I mean Christmas Day of course, with all its glitter, tinsel, over-indulgence and stress! And I'm ready!!

Personally, I love Christmas. It's an opportunity to spend time with people that I care about and be generous in a way that I never would for the rest of the year because I'm not rich and I simply cannot afford it. But at Christmas, I splurge!

I must also confess to being rather fond of the traditional bits of Christmas too, the carols and religious elements that make it such a warm and uplifting occasion on top of all the commercialism. I'm not religious (I have my doubts that the big guy up there exists, but I'm not sure he doesn't, either) but there is something so innocent and gentle about Christmas in church and I will always try and either go to a teatime carol service on Christmas Eve or the Midnight Mass.

This year, I feel incredibly organised and rather smug sitting here typing this when lots of others are still struggling round the shops or fretting because they aren't finished with arrangements. But my advice would be, don't worry. No one is going to disown you if you don't make things absolutely perfect and you won't do yourself any good at all health wise if you wind yourself up into such a frenzy you are ill next weekend. There are only so many hours in the day and you only have one pair of hands.

I feel sorry for those that are struggling financially this Christmas - the economic situation is really hitting some very hard and prices in the shops, despite the much publicised early sales, are soaring. It's a fact that as your kids get bigger, their preferred gifts get smaller and proportionately more expensive - swop jigsaws for ipads! Food prices are hideous - I went to Morrisons the other day and managed to spend £150 on a trolley which was only half full. And no, it wasn't full of gin!

However you are spending it, try and make it peaceful and fun, filled with kindness and laughter. And this week, in the run up, be calm!