I’ve just had a bit of a rant on Facebook about judgemental people. A friend responded by asking what had prompted my rant, and the answer is nothing in particular, at least not one single event. It really is the case of the straw that breaks the camel’s back being insignificant in itself, but cumulatively being too much. If I were to write here what has caused my rant today, it would seem insignificant and pathetic. But it has pushed me over the edge.
Despite some brilliant things happening recently (a fabulous panto with a great cast and crew, Christmas and being spoiled by The Hubby, a nice New Year’s Eve dinner with good friends and so on) the last few months, in fact the last eighteen months, have been a catalogue of difficult situations and people, and one crisis after another. Little niggle has piled on top of little niggle and a very small number of people have been quite cruel and unkind. Even the most stoic person would eventually buckle. And despite some very difficult situations being resolved, lots of extra effort being expended on my part and some great achievements, not one single person has had the grace to say ‘thank you’.
I am not renowned for my patience, and have never suffered fools, but one thing that my somewhat chequered life has taught me is that you should never judge others without knowing the facts, because you just don’t know what happens behind their front doors and in their lives. Also going through two divorces, several job changes and challenges, dealing with acrimonious ex's, children and step children and forging a comfortable home for them all in reasonable harmony, financial ups and downs (very much ‘down’ at the moment) and coping with a parent who completely failed to love, understand and support me has taught me compromise and also which are the battles it is worth fighting. I have never had counselling, because I am unconvinced of its benefits (and if you need to have it for years then clearly it doesn't work, does it?) but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about things.
This week there have been one or two things which have been those final straws. It hasn’t been helped by the fact that I haven’t felt very well (I always get ill after panto), the weather has been rubbish and there is a very stressful reorganisation going on at work as a result of which I am forced into making people who do not deserve it, redundant.
I have been judged all my life. Because I speak plainly (a trait which I get from my Dad and which is both a blessing and a curse) I tell people unpalatable truths. Very few people can cope with such things, preferring to live in a little bubble of niceness where no one says what they think or tells them what they ought to hear, instead telling them what they want to hear and dressing things up.
Another trait I get from my parents is I don’t make friends easily; having been let down by so many people throughout my life in different ways I automatically put up a brittle barrier which deflects approaches and stops people getting close. That can, I know, come across as harshness and people that don’t bother to find their way through slag me off behind my back. People have done just that over the years and smiled to my face. If they think I don’t know, or that it doesn’t hurt, then they’re wrong. I know who you are, I will never trust you, and it hurts very much.
Definitely, my few months ‘out’ is now long overdue. For the immediate future, I have a small, close circle of friends whom I trust and a wonderful man who cares for me and gives me the odd reality check. It’s time I focussed on them instead of trying to split myself in too many directions and at least for now I ought to stop worrying about the opinions and views of others. Due to our circumstances the future might look very different soon, and I need to be prepared. There are new things I want to do, and existing things and acquaintances I need to think hard about.
That won’t be a panacea, but it will be a step in the right direction.
Knowing your own faults and weakness is a concept that is alien to a lot of people and I applaud your honesty. One person's refreshing honesty is another's blunt insult and people often judge without considering the context. I do this, have done this and over the years have had to train myself to get all the facts first. It seems that you are having a bit of a crisis, but I would say this. Your marriage, family and your true friends all seem to be in good shape, so the fundamentals are in place. Everything else can be replaced, It may be hard, but one thing you have never shirked from is a challenge or a difficult situation which many would sidestep. I, for what it is worth, have always admired your tenacity and spirit (even if you can be an obstinate bird sometimes) and even if I didn't know your motives much of the time, I understood your need to do what you did. You are right. Focus on the important things, don't try to please everyone all the time and the devil take the rest!
ReplyDeleteYou really must read tiny Buddha website. They have daily blogs of wisdom for our lives. One very recently was so true. It was about trying to be liked by. Everyone.this is not possible! But we all want to be. I found myself ingratiating myself to people at work, who quite frankly speak to me so rudely and basically bully me. I'm such a wimp, I just don't tell these people to sod off. I keep trying to get them to like me. But hell? Why do I need their friendship? I really don't. So it's up to them if they like me or not, I'm trying to tell myself they are not worthy of my friendship and like you, if they can't be botheredto get to know me, then they're the losers. I urge you to read these little blogs Janette, they put life into perspective. Don't be put off by the title of the websit, it's not all airy fairy alternative stuff. It's helpful wisdom, passed down by people who've been there and done it. Sorry you're having such a rubbish time. Stevens right focus on you and Chris and kids. Oxted don't know how lucky they are to have someone who can put on wonderful shows for the benefit of others. See you soon! X
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