Tangled up in red tape

I have just been presented with a list of 180 separate pieces of red tape planning legislation to filter through and decide which we ought to comment upon, so that the government, bless their little cotton socks, can decide which to scrap and which to retain.

If my employers think I am going to read all that lot, they are seriously mistaken. I have foisted quite a few off onto colleagues, and have just gone through the headings of the rest trying to find something remotely interesting.

But the point is, why the f**k are there 180 separate pieces of legislation in the first place? If there are 180 just dealing with planning law, how many are there dealing with really serious stuff like care of vulnerable children and adults, with education and public health? No wonder the Civil Service is so huge; they must spend vast amounts of their time just filtering through this drivel trying to find something meaningful and useful.

To give credit where it is due, the Department of Communities and Local Government is trying to streamline stuff like this and that’s why they are asking for our comments. But they must know that the vast majority of it is useless and the rest could be distilled into one or two relatively short, plain English documents that would be understandable by planning geeks and Joe Public alike, and which would make all our lives easier. Why do they need us to tell them? Aren’t they supposed to be the experts?

But then CLG has been a shambles ever since the ignoramus Eric Pickles took the helm. What David Cameron sees in the man is a complete mystery, and how he survived the last reshuffle even more so. I have long been convinced that he is a Slitheen, which any aficionado of Doctor Who will know is an alien shaped like a big green pig which disguises itself inside a zipped up human skin, and which farts all the time in a particularly loud and noxious way. Having never been in the room with Mr Pickles I cannot personally comment on whether the farting takes place, but all the outward signs of Slitheen-ness are there.

So I am now going to waste probably several days of my life going through this rubbish just to say at the end of it that we ought to recommend scrapping 95% and rewriting the rest. Not that I’m pre-empting the outcomes, but it is almost inevitable. So I better get to it, or maybe I ought to save it up for this afternoon and the ‘graveyard slot’ so that it can help me nod off in a quiet corner where my colleagues won’t notice.

Difficult decision!

Oh no, not panic buying again!

Well done the government!

Until yesterday, we had all been vaguely conscious that tanker drivers might strike but hadn’t thought it necessary to go out and fill up the car and various plastic bottles with petrol to make sure we could withstand a prolonged shortage. Somehow, most of us thought it would be OK and we would all muddle along somehow.

But now, both David Cameron and Francis Maude (silly name) have been on the telly saying we all ought to fill up the car at every opportunity and put jerry cans full of petrol in the back garden in case we run short.

Prats! If even there was a lesson in how not to handle a situation this is it! Ever since they went to the media saying this, there have been queues at petrol stations across the country as people who don’t have any common sense fill their vehicles to the brim and stockpile as much fuel as they are able to in jerry cans. Why didn’t these two stupid men just keep their mouths shut?

The Fire Service is, not unnaturally, up in arms. Stored fuel is a fire risk, and whilst many of us have a small petrol can in the garden shed to use with the mower, chain saw, strimmer or whatever other garden tools work with petrol, it is a tiny amount. Because most people have no common sense (and ‘common sense’ is a misnomer if ever I heard one) they will now be storing much larger quantities without any thought as to how to do so safely. Even worse, those without gardens may even store it in the house!

Also, the sheer selfishness of the vast majority of the general public in these situations astounds and saddens me. People have been queuing for hours at petrol stations just to put £10 worth of fuel in a tank which was already over 75% full ‘just in case’. Why? They don’t need it and they aren’t about to run out. Why can’t we all just go and fill up the car when it’s empty and take what we need, rather than what we want. Shell Petroleum reported sales as being 65% higher than usual yesterday, simply because of panic buying. These people are penalising the rest of us by being greedy and stupid and of course, the natural outcome will be the fuel companies will put their prices up again to capitalise on an opportunity for profiteering. That’s how the free market works.

So everyone – STOP! Think about what you are doing, just take what you need and then we will all get our fair share. The world will not end if we cannot use our cars in the profligate way we normally do for a few days and it won’t hurt most of us to walk our kids to school or use the bus for a change. I don’t want to have to do that any more than anyone else does, but if it comes to it I would have to.

And politicians – don’t be so bloody stupid again!

London Olympics - the outrageous demands begin!

The London Olympics are fast approaching. Didn't it seem a long time ago when we had all the hoo-ha about us beating the nasty French to host the damn things, and now they are almost upon us.  

Personally, I couldn't be less interested. I never have been keen on sport (I was always the last kid to be picked when my class chose teams for games lessons) although I will watch the athletics on the telly with a nice cuppa and a pack of plain chocolate hobnobs by my side, and I do like watching although not participating in winter sports. And I will watch the six nations rugby when it starts this weekend, but that's principally because lots of nice muscley thighs will be on show.

The political posturing and grabbing for personal advantage has been going on for ages, and the press have been having a field day speculating how things can go wrong and what might fail. Also what 'Team GB's dismal showing might be in the medal table (Team GB - awful title!). The press really do piss me off when they do things like that - it's perfectly alright to be able to express a range of views but this is an event which gives us an opportunity to shine in the world and show them that we are not really a bunch of repressed, miserable, penny pinching gits who hate the rest of the world and live in a constant atmosphere of rain and fog (we are, but that's neither here nor there). How about a bit more positive news and views and some celebratory anticipation for a change?

However the latest showing from the staff of London Underground, led by the charismatic Bob Crow, simply beggars belief. Each and every employee of LU, some 14,000 of them in total, has been offered £500 each simply to show up for work during the Olympic period. That's just for clocking on, and would be in addition to any overtime payments or shift allowances. This payment amounts in total to £7million, which has to be funded from the fare paying public. Not only is it outrageous that this payment has been offered in the first place, but even more outrageous is that the greedy bastards have had the temerity to turn it down saying it's not enough.

How VERY dare they? The rest of us still have to go to work during the Olympics and we won't be getting any extra cash for doing so. Why should they be any different? The rest of us are expected to perform to the standard required by our employers as we would normally do, so why shouldn't the tube drivers? It is a disgrace that in these times of austerity, when so many of the people the tubes are carrying are struggling, that such blatent greed should be exhibited.

The tube drivers could have done themselves a favour and stored up some brownie points for when they really do need public support. They could have worked as usual, for normal money plus a bit of overtime and a few extra shifts, during the games and helped foster an atmosphere of public pride in a high quality service which this country at the moment so badly needs. Instead, they have alienated almost every single member of the travelling public and gained themselves some appalling publicity nationally and internationally for being out of touch, selfish and totally lacking any sense of a pride in their job and in public service. They don't deserve a penny of any extra payment they will get (and they will get it, because we simply cannot afford for the transport system to collapse at any time between July and September for any reason whatsoever) and should feel totally ashamed of themselves.

Are you listening Bob Crow, because you bloody well should be? I doubt it; you are one of the last of the old fashioned union leaders who thinks that they are entitled to rule the world because they give a few thousand quid to a political party and therefore can hold the country to ransom.

Once these games are out of the way, David Cameron and Boris Johnson should show their metal and tackle this problem once and for all. After all, there are plenty of other people out there not fortunate enough to be in a job at the moment who would love to fulfil their childhood ambition to be a train driver. That's an idea; let's sack the lot of them and start again. It may be the only way to get rid of the canker!

Health and Safety

David Cameron has been in the news this week telling us all that he is going to relax some of the useless rules we have in Britain around Health and Safety.

Well, good on yer Dave, if you really do it. Somehow I doubt it will come to much; there will be some ridiculous protocol or something which says that what we want to change we can't, or the red tape involved in doing so will take so long to unravel that anyone but the most dedicated would give up in disgust. Or something more pressing, such as the country going broke, will take precedence. And don't forget the powerful Elfin Safety Lobby - you know, the ones that shout if a child picks up a conker or there is a pebble on the pavement they might trip over.

Middle England has a lot to answer for here, because they are the ones that over protect their kids and won't touch anything unless it has a patent safety device fitted to it which has been accredited by various expensive and usually useless national associations. Lower England can't be arsed between the footie and the bingo, and Upper England is off its head with cocaine and has staff to do things for them, so they don't care. But in the squeezed middle we all wrap our kids, and also ourselves, up in cotton wool too much and are unwilling to accept the consequences of our own actions, which we ought to take personal responsibility for. 

Of course there must be safeguards in life. Things must be fit for purpose and reasonable precautions taken so that our possessions or the things we use cannot damage or injure us, and that the things we do are safe. But you cannot legislate for everything; we all have the ability to make choices and arrange our own lives and we simply must be more prepared to take responsibility for ourselves and not let the state do it all for us, then sue someone if something goes wrong.  

Much of the legislation governing this is European and will be difficult to change. So in theory all of Europe ought to be as up themselves about it as the Brits are. But they aren't. Whenever you go to Europe you will see examples all the time of things which simply wouldn't happen in the UK because of our anal approach to health and safety. Roadworks without barriers (we fence off everything for 300 yards it seems), seaside promenades without barriers (ours are made of iron and look like prison bars, and do their utmost to keep you off the beach which is why you have come there in the first place) festivals and events with exciting activities which you would have to wear protective helmets and luminous clothing for in the UK but which people simply go along to and enjoy and, by and large, if they get hurt shrug their shoulders and accept it's been their choice to do it. As long as you are aware of the dangers, then if you chose to go ahead it's your picnic! It's a much free-er, less bureaucratic and healthy approach altogether - they have the legislation, but they take a much more relaxed approach to it.

I work at home twice a week, and I have been supplied with a nice little laptop and mobile phone to do so. I have also had to undertake four on line tests about my working environment, the equipment and my eyesight, just so my employer can tick a box to say it has fulfilled its obligations with regard to health and safety. It's daft, and I lied anyway. Of course I don't sit at a special workstation with dedicated space, I work at the dining table surrounded by the detritus of ordinary life and four cats, in an inadequate chair which I pad with cushions so it's the right height. If I get RSI, I will still claim for it!

I'm off now to do a dress rehearsal for the panto. I will wear costumes which have to be checked for flammability, walk past scenery ditto, avoid thunder flashes which could set my (non flammable) costume on fire and throw sweets at small childern which have to be wrapped so they are sterile and must be above a certain size so they couldn't lodge themselves in one of the little brats' eyes. The insideous health and safety gremlin gets everywhere, even into something as centuries old as panto.

Perhaps I could consign the Health and Safety Inspectors to the dungeon where the baddie usually gets put, which has no windows, rats and no proper ventilation. The floor would be uneven and water would drop from the ceiling onto their inadequately prepared food from a kitchen with no food hygiene certificate. I bet health and safety would soon cease to become their foremost worry then!

To euro, or not to euro

Poor old David Cameron is getting quite a battering isn't he. It seems he can't please any of the people any of the time. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

Personally, and this is nothing to do with my political persuasion, I think he should be applauded for standing up for the UK's interests against the German bullies and French self servers. The treaty which was vetoed would lead to greater integration, our taxes and financial affairs decided in Brussels by a bunch of bureaucrats who know nothing about the UK and probably hate us anyway. You've only got to look at the voting patterns in the Eurovision Song contest to see how much the rest of Europe dislikes us!

Don't get me wrong. I know this is all about the banks and I'm no fan of banks and bankers. But why should a country which is doing its damndest to drag itself out of trouble and which contributes a significant amount to the EU's coffers already put its hand in its pocket again for something which has no guarantee of success and which could make it worse off in the future?

"Oh", the pro-Europeans cry, "The UK will lose out. Business will go elsewhere. We will lose our export trade because we won't be competitive".  Rubbish. The rest of Europe likes much of the UKs products because they are good quality and unique. Our financial services and the remainder of the city will survive because they have vast reserves at their disposal and widely spread interests. Yes, there'll be a dip, but trade will come back. Stop panicking!

"Stop the UK's rebate" , they are shouting in Brussels. Punish the selfish British gits! Well perhaps we ought to remove our contribution altogether, and see how they like that in France where our contributions help subsidise their farmers and cottage industries that refuse to modernise and become competitive. Maybe, just maybe, its time to see whether the benefits of pulling out and spending all those billions on ourselves outweigh the disadvantages. And as for those pro-Europeans, well if they like Europe so much, why don't they go and live there .