Beach bodies

There’s nothing like covertly studying other people’s inadequate bodies through your sun glasses when on the beach to make you feel good about yourself, is there?

As you may have gathered from my posts about dieting and fitness, I have a few body issues at the moment. But last week, studying others on the beach in the early season sunshine, I did wonder what I was worrying about.

Firstly, there are the people who are just plain fat. They hang over the outside of their swim suit or over the top of their trunks with abandon, clearly not caring how unpleasant their pasty rolls of fat look to anyone else. In high summer it is almost understandable that they want to be as cool (as in temperature) as possible and so have stripped off, but in April? They’re certainly not cool in any other sense. And the men that are overweight with their untended flabby moobs are just as bad as the women.

Then there are those who are just moderately fat but insist on wearing a swimming costume that is at least two sizes two small. They squeeze themselves into it regardless of the fact that it must be pinching and pulling in lots of tender and very personal places as well as cutting into their thighs and hips. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than something which is so tight that when you take it off, it must leave its mark on you for hours.

Then there are those that insist on taking their bikini top off on the beach however shapeless, overweight or disproportionate they may be. Mostly, I have to say, these tend to be German or Scandi women but there are a fair few Brits do it too. Despite the fact that topless bathing is illegal in Greece, they seem to uncover with regularity and flaunt their misshapen, oversized, pasty white and covered with blue veins boobs for all to see. Personally, I think there is nothing less attractive than topless bathing and I wish the beach attendants would stop them doing it, but I think that is a forlorn hope and so I will just have to wear darker glasses to avoid being blinded by the white glare from dangly flesh that is firmly covered the rest of the year.

On the opposite end of the size scale, you see stick thin women who have dieted themselves into extinction and look equally unpleasant. Their bones and ribs are sticking out, their skin looks lack lustre and they look constantly miserable. These women have serious body issues rather than just being deluded about what looks good, and need to get help.

Of course, even more annoying than the lardies is the occasional lithe and toned young woman who is tanned to perfection and wearing a skimpy bikini in a flattering shape and colour. Normally she is accompanied by an impossible good looking young man or, on occasion, by a gross but clearly incredibly rich sugar daddy who is parading her as some sort of trophy. How dare she show off her perfect body in a public place and make the rest of us feel inadequate – bitch! If he’s that rich, then sit round your own private pool. And if he isn’t, cover up!