I love the Eurovision song contest.
Nowhere else do you get the same collection of kitsch, bad taste and simply appalling music. Some of it is funny, some of it frankly dreadful, but all of it is great fun. I settle down on the sofa with a bottle of wine and some fattening snacks and indulge in waspish comment for the entire evening.
As well as the music, the judging is also fairly cringeworthy from the representatives of the 42 countries that enter, who have been given their 30 seconds of fame and are determined to stretch it to five minutes. You get to go on the telly to give your points even if your talentless singers have been knocked out in the semi finals, so they all get their glad rags on and pout (and that's just the men).
This year, I was rooting for the Russian Grannies, with a combined age of four hundred and something between them. (Come to think of it, since when was Russia in Europe?). They bounced around the stage in Azerbajan like they had been given some sort of halucinogenic drug, in bright red Russian national costume and gave toothless grins at the camera. Whether they were actually singing or not is anyone's guess, but they were certainly game. In the end, they came second, pipped to the post by a bimbette from Sweden who was a Claudia Winkelman look a like and sounded just like every other pop star you have ever heard.
For the UK poor old Englebert of course, while not actually coming last, only garnered points in single figures as opposed to the 300+ for the Swedish bimbette. He was second to last, which is almost as bad, with only Norway with 'null points' below him. Going first on the night was a definite handicap and the song, whilst expertly performed, was instantly forgettable. When will the UK selection committee (if there is such a thing) realise that there is no use at all going for class. Just put up the most attractive girl you can find, skimpily dressed with raunchy backing dancers, singing pure Euro pop. Time after time, that is what wins. In the UK we have a natural handicap to start off with in that most of Europe really doesn't like us much, and so we have to think about giving them what they want and like, but better.
What we don't appreciate also is that throughout the rest of Europe, they take this competition incredibly seriously. We treat it all as a bit of a joke, and in doing so we are most definitely on our own. Worldwide, it is the most watched non sporting event in the world, with an estimated audience of 120 million people. The rest of Europe has regional heats, area semi finals and big national competitions. A few years ago, the Greeks went through all that rigmarole costing millions, and then decided that the person who won was rubbish and so scrapped them and put up the biggest pop star in Greece as their entry. They nearly won! This year, they must have been clapping with relief at the end that they'd come nowhere near (as must have the Spanish!).
Next year, I think I will have a Eurovision party, and ask people to come dressed as their favourite country. Now that sounds like fun!!
Actually I would rather watch traffic than the Eurovision. I can't stand it. I used to quite enjoy it until it became a political mechanism to bash everybody who lent aid to the US during the Gulf War. The whole thing is just an excuse to score pathetic political points of each other. The acts are getting ridiculous and the music is just goddamned awful. The sooner this anachronism of a show is humanely put down, the better.
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