Here's Johnny !

So, the totally and utterly gorgeous Mr Depp is available again and on the market! This, after months of him and Vanessa Paradis denying rumours of a split and presenting a united front playing happy families.

Of course the fact that he is available doesn’t mean I can have him, even though he doesn’t know what he is missing out on. For one thing, The Hubby might have something to say about it. And for another thing, I did read somewhere that despite having cheekbones to die for and come to bed eyes, he isn’t actually that nice to be close to because

a)    He smokes and so his breath smells like an old ash tray and

b)    He doesn’t believe in using deodorant and thinks a man’s natural smells are best.

Well to be honest if that’s what Vanessa has put up with for the past decade I’m not surprised that finally she has had enough and they have gone their separate ways. Even the French have these days discovered that you don’t stop stinking just by chucking scent into your arm pits and actually other people have pretty decent olfactory glands and prefer you to be a little more fragrant.

There is no escaping the fact that the lovely Johnny is a little odd and always has been (anyone who makes that many films with Tim Burton must go a bit strange, after all). Everything from his style of dress to his manner of speaking shrieks ‘individual’ and presumably anyone who doesn’t give a flying f**k what people think about the obvious eccentricities also doesn’t care about other more personal and potentially more offensive conventions of communal living. Not that Vanessa herself was normal, with a history of eating disorders and a deliberately vague ‘am I on something’ approach to life.

There will be a queue of women waiting for Johnny to notice them because he is undeniably (to a casual, long distance observer at least) charming, handsome and bohemian. And he is rich, something which is never a disadvantage when husband/boyfriend/casual shag hunting. Not only is he rich, he is obscenely, filthy rich. The trouble is he doesn’t really like spending it, preferring the simple life in the countryside. Well bugger that! If you’ve got all those millions you might as well enjoy them instead of tramping round looking like you dressed in the dark in someone else’s cast offs which ought to have been given to Oxfam. And it would be nice to live somewhere civilised with decent plumbing (ie not France).

At least now we know where we are and the gossip magazines can have a field day papping any unfortunate female that happens to be seen anywhere with him. And why do these celebs put the public through this ridiculous charade of unity when it is obvious for all to see that things aren’t good and they would be much happier calling it a day. Sometimes, of course, it’s because they have children (Johnny and Vanessa have two, called Lily Rose and Jack, I believe) and they don’t want their kids to see their warring parents splashed all over the tabloids, but surely it would just be better to split quietly and if possible amicably, sort out your arrangements and move on without fuelling the speculation by denying it.

At any rate, his newly single status will make the lusting in front of the movie all the more enticing because he is available, and there’s nothing like an available heart throb to make the pulse race a little faster because you never know, there is an infinitesimal chance.

Never say never, that’s what I say!